It's been a while

Ok, so it's been quite a long time since I've written anything in my blog, and I figured I'd do something about it before I went to bed. (of course it's 1 am, and I need to get up early to get ready for a big day tomorrow)

It's been a while since I've been excited about anything. It's been a while since I realized that what I want to do in life. And it's been a while since I've been "twitterpated."

I'm going back to school in January if all goes well, namely, getting the pell grants I need to get everything done. I'm still excited to go back, and need to finish what I started so many years ago.

I want to own my own business. I've known that for years, but tonight I really thought about what I want to do and it felt right. I was talking to a friend and mentioned that I wanted to have my own business, and as we got to talking I realized that I eventually want to be rich. I want to make it big, but it's not because I really want the things of the world, but it's because I really have a desire to help my fellow men. I don't know if it's because I'm sincerely happy right now but it may have something to do with it.

I want to be rich because I want to put my wealth into something worthwhile. Cancer research, AIDS awareness, schools, something along those lines.

Here's why I'm happy. I know my readers are few, so I don't worry about saying, but I met a girl. But you know what? I'm not going to say anything further on the subject because I want to do this right. I've made so many mistakes in my life that I really feel that it's time to do this right. Maybe I won't mess this up. I'm sure going to try not to. We just clicked, and that, in the words of Forrest Gump, "is all I have to say about that."

I will tell you about the possible business venture I have. JT Paintball is a local paintball retailer who deals with mainly rental equiptment and event support, in other words, supplying paintballs, high pressure air, CO2, and other necissary items to make a good day of paintball...well...great! The owner of JT paintball is moving and I have an opportunity to possibly buy his business. We're still going through the numbers and I've got a lot of studying to do in terms of the finacial side of things, like taxes, investment things, and all the legal mumbo-jumbo I know little about. Thank heavens for a home teacher who happens to make this sort of thing his living. I need to go through the books and see if this is a wise investment, considering that 80% of businesses fail in the first 5 years, and 80% of those still around after 5 years, fail within 10 years, so in reality a business has a 4% chance of still being around after 10 years.

Since JT Paintball has been around for 3 years, I figure the chances are a little better, but I'm not going into this blind. I've seen what it's capable of doing, and think that it has great potential. Now I need to consult my finacial team, and see if this is really something I want to take on, either by myself, or with a partner. (My best friend Christian is talking about becoming partners with me and going in this together. He's run a successful business in Las Vegas, and is someone that I trust almost more than anyone else in my life)

Wish me luck!

Dating turned to rant

So...I don't know where to start with this post. It has to do with a lot of little things that have happened to me over the last few weeks. These, in turn, have made me a little crabby, and now even friends are starting to notice it, which, for me, is something that rarely happens. I rarely let the little things get to me.

First off, I'm working entirely way too much, which makes things that much more difficult. But here goes...

I'm tired of being single. It's not that I want to be married, but it's just that I'm tired of sitting here late at night wondering why I can't seem to spark the interest of the opposite sex. Here are a few of the little things that have made me more annoyed with my current situation.

I had a friend ask me the other day, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" She in no ways meant it to be rude, but was just asking the question. I gave her my normal answers: I work too much, don't have time for girls, don't want to date anyone, you know, the usual. But it got me thinking, why don't I have a girlfriend, or at least, someone that wants to be around me to go to the movies, or museum, or, heaven forbid, dinner?

Yeah, I wonder why in the hell I ask girls out if after just a few dates "mysteriously" never answer the phone or text me back. (at this point it must be pointed out that I am far from clingy and stalkerish, I just text to say hello etc.) Or, if we do go out a 3rd time (hasn't happened in a while) she seems disinterested.

Then it all came crashing down on me as I walked into work yesterday. (please don't judge me for what I'm about to say until after you've read the entire reaction) As I approached the doors to the mall, a women walks out, dressed really well. She had a stroller, and appeared to be happy. It was interesting, because when she looked up, she wasn't that pretty. I won't sit here and describe her, but she just wasn't the prettiest women I'd ever seen. And then the thought came into my mind, "I'm not bad looking, why the hell am I still single? I dress well, I'm polite, I act like a gentleman, and I don't think I'm that bad to look upon."

So why is it that I continually stay single? As I said earlier, it's not that I'm looking to get married. I just want some companionship. Someone who is willing to make time for me, or be willing to spend some of their free time with me, as much as I'm willing to make time for them. Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that in this fucked up world, there is someone out there that can stand to be with me?

Maybe it's because I live in Utah, and I'm not Mormon enough for some, and too Mormon (or just Mormon altogether) for others. Maybe it's because I happily in the middle of the road when it comes to my religious views that I can't get along with girls that are strictly Mormon, but the girls that aren't Mormon see me as too much of a Mormon.

Let's face it, there are those in my life that think I'm going to church every week and following the religion that I grew up in, and there are others that think I've all but ditched my religion. Maybe it's just time to come out as say it, I'm neither happy in or out of the Mormon faith. There is nothing in it that makes me excited or interested in staying with it, but I just don't want to turn my back on the faith of my childhood. Who I am, and what I've done for the last 18 years (assuming that it all started when I was baptized at 8 years old) is all based on the Mormon religion. Most of my friends through high school were from church. They were the guys I hung out with, and the girls that I went to the dances with. It influenced the college I chose to go to. I went on a mission for the LDS church. It's encompassed almost all facets of my life for 18 years.

But there has always been a part of me that has questioned those beliefs. At this juncture, I would please ask that those that actually do read this to withhold responding to my questioning by telling me to: read my scriptures, pray, and go to church. I know these teachings of the LDS faith. I learned them a young age, on top of teaching others about them for 2 years. Please don't chastise me for questioning the world around me and the chaos that we seem to creating by religion.

My questions aren't: do I believe in God, or life-after death, or things like that. My questions come from the chaos I see in the world around me. It's having my life dictated by religious views that many in the world don't agree with. It's seeing those of one religion say things, or do things, to those of another religion. It's watching those I once held in high regard tear someone else down because they don't nessasarily believe the same thing, writing off a possible friendship because they didn't believe, or believed something different. It's watching extremeists cry "death to those that don't believe" and others blowing themselves up in a "religious battle."

Religions often teach about love. They talk of charity, being the love of God, or unending love, also called unconditional love.

Then, a little over a year ago, I made a mistake. This mistake, for whatever reason, cost me my childhood. The religion that I held onto as a child dwindled. When I turned for help, help was no where to be found, just empty promises and missed opportunities. When I turned to the ones I loved in hopes of finding support, I was dissapointed. The "foundation" that I had built my life on crumbled beneith my feet, leaving the rest of my life in shables around me.

As I've tried to rebuild, many of the pieces don't seem to fit together like they used to. The past seems to haunt me while the future seems to be just as unfavorable.

I think I just need a friend. Someone who will call me up as say, "lets go do this," or "lets go try that." Someone I can call up and do the same for. Or someone who trusts me with their deepest feelings, and one that I can trust in return. Is it that I've just become so untrusting of the world around me? Is it that I just expect dissapointment because that's what everything always comes to?

I'm not perfect. Far from it. If anything I'm the exact opposite of perfect. I've got my flaws. I'm tired of falling short on everything I do. I used to have huge goals and aspirations. But those too seemed to have dwindled in the last few years, knowing that disappointment lurks right around the corner.

I live in a big city, surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people and feel more alone than ever.

The View

I figured I put some pictures up here so everyone can see the view from my new place! I currently live in downtown SLC, just off South Temple on the 9th floor, overlooking the entire valley! Talk about amazing. From my balcony I can ever see a little bit of the SLC temple. I'm withing biking distance of everywhere, and oh yeah, I've got some good news!

So I started working at the Express at the Gateway mall part time, hoping to find something more full time so I can save up for school next semester. Before I left for North Carolina 5 months ago, I was offered a job at South Towne Mall as a manager at the Express there. Well, they found out I was back and it was "serendipity" that I am back and the managers they hired didn't work out. Amy, the store manager, called me last night at work and wants me to come work for them, where I'll be able to work 40+ hours a week if I choose, plus I'll make around $11.50-$12.00 an hour, so that'll be great! The even better thing? As a U of U student I can ride Trax and UTA for free, so I won't have to commute in my car and waste all that gas. I figured it all out, and it'll take me 40 minutes to get to South Town Mall from here. Yes, it would take me half the time, but if I can get there free and have time to read, my life is going to be amazing!

Here are some pictures of my balcony. They are a semi-panoramic view from my balcony facing West.























And here are some pictures from my living room:

Utah...again.

So I'm back in Utah. I was worried about a lot of things not working out, like living arrangements, work, etc. But I walked into Express at the Gateway, got a call a few hours later from them asking me to work, and I start Sunday. This will work for now, until I find a better job, something higher paying so I can go back to school soon. I also found a place to live. Well, I'll find out in a few days if it's good or not, but basically, the roommates are cool with it, so it should go through. My room is on the 9th floor, overlooking the city! It is a shared room, but heck, I'm ok with that, since it's pretty cheap, and gets me into the Salt Lake City area.

Now all I have to do is find a bed and start moving in! Wish me luck!

Gearing up for school

For some who don't know, I've decided to major in History. I know that many of you are thinking, "What the heck?! History? I thought you hated history!" Yes...I did. I used to hate history because I didn't see a reason for knowing dates and times and places, up until I started to look at the world around me and realized that it's through history's eyes that we'll see the future. History isn't boring when you look at the lives of those that lived it. I think about my grandfather, who was a B-17 pilot in WWII. There are those that lived history, and made it.

I remember those days sitting with grandpa, listening to stories of daring raids on Berlin, landing on abandoned, bomb-cratered runways, or the time that he landed his plane with three of the four engines out (he later received the Distinguished Flying Cross for it, 50 years after the fact). When I was young I used to sleep on the couch in his office while our family visited them. The walls are lined with paintings of B-17s, various medals he received, and old black and white photographs of him in his uniform and his crew by his side, all looking on as the 23 year old pilot lead the men into the heat of battle. There is even a model of a B-17 hanging from the ceiling, it's sleek silver fuselage broken up by holes where guns stuck out in defense of the bomber. These are what I slept under. This is where I learned that history isn't boring, it's part of a life that someone once lived.

This last year has taught me that there are those that are going to make history, those that will stand back and watch it be made, and then there are those that will learn from it and plan for the future.

I signed up for my classes the other day, and looked at the books that are required for my classes. I have to say, I don't think I've ever been this excited to go back to school. I've got 14 required readings, and, well, let's just say they are pretty awesome!

I'm taking 5 classes: Asian Civilization Traditions, Latin America Civilization to 1820, Classical Middle East Civilizations, US History to 1877, and finally, the History of Technology. For instance, some of the books I'll be reading are: Analects, by Confucius, the Bhagavad-Gita, and translated Sanskrit plays! On top of that, I'll be reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, so yeah, this is going to be a great semester! Yes that was a lot of exclamation points, but I wanted to convey my excitement. :)

Personal Incentive Week

This week starts personal incentive week. Basically I have to reach certain number of services for the week and I'll get something. Basically, if I sell poorly I'll get a $35 gift certificate to the Cheese Cake Factory, if I sell average I can get a new hopper for my paintball gun or if I sel average and get above average credit card percentages I'll get an iPhone. If I out do my best week ever I can get a 3 day cruise for 2. Of course that means I also have to find someone else who wants to go with me. I'm thinking of doing it over Christmas vacation. That'd be a nice treat between semesters!

What I like about personal incentives is that it's me verses me, and if I don't make it I'm the only one I can blame. Typically when I've got "team" things, I rely too much on the others to pull the weight. I know that it's irresponsible or it makes me a slacker. I know I'm that way. It's in my nature and it's something that I'm trying to change, but still, for me the personal incentives are what I like better.

This week is going to be hell. I already looked at the weather and it's going to be in the hundreds the first few days. Miserable if you ask me. But that's why I'm here, it's to make money and to push through the hard days. It'll build character as Calvin's dad (from Calvin and Hobbes) would say. Here we go!

Paintballing!

This is the group. From right to left there's Jed Thacker, Christian Herrick, Me, Skye Herrick, and Rob Hunter. We all like paintballing. It was Jed and the Herrick brothers that got me into it. Yet another sport I'll fall in love with. It's been fun, but it also hurts. I've got welts all over my body and one really big lump on my head from where Skye shot me. Yeah, it was one on one and he was behind a bunker. As I went to make a move, I slipped and stumbled on the ground and he shot me...in the head. It was fun, but I had a headache almost the rest of the day. I took some aspirin, but that didn't help. My goose egg was throbbing so much that it kept my head hurting. Yeah, I can't even touch it right now.

What I really like about paintballing is that it is a lot like rock climbing in the sense that I have something I can use as an outlet for frustration, fatigue, and still have a lot of fun. I've realized that I really need an outlet for a lot of things. A way to get my mind off of life and just focus on one thing, shooting someone else. Or if it's rock climbing, getting to that next hold.

Setting a Record

I realized today as I was knocking on doors that I'd sell more if I cared less. Let me explain that a little. To do so I'm going to use an analogy.

I love to slackline. It's fun. If you don't know what it is here's a brief explanation. SLACKLINING

When one is first learning how to slackline, the first thing I tell people is to not look down. I tell them to focus on a spot on the other side of the line, like a knot in the tree or the end of the line. As humans, when things get sketchy we look down. I constantly have to remind friends who are slacklining for the first time not to look down. Looking down only amplifies the action, making us shake more.

That can be applied to everyday life. When we focus on each little side to side movement, we often make them worse. But when we relax and allow our bodies to move with the line, and look at our objective, the wobbling decreases and in some cases, stops altogether. It's hard to explain to some until you've actually slacklined, but, the keys to success is relaxing, focusing on the objective and ignoring the subtle movements of the line as one moves forward.

The same can be said for the last few days with me and selling. As soon as I started to relax and focus on the objective, and ignored the subtle trip ups (i.e. mistaking products, using we verses I, things like that). Slacklining is fun, when I'm having fun, I do better. When I focus on either showing off, or I just stop having fun, I fall more, and struggle more. The same is applied to selling.

Basically, I just started having fun again. That is the biggest difference. Everything should be enjoyable, and if it's not, our attitude doesn't need to follow suit. Today I sold 8 verses the 1-3 that I've been averaging the last few weeks. A new record for me.

Stepping Stones

Today I was knocking and really didn’t have much success, but near the end of the night I started to talk to a women who was taking care of her roses. I did the typical approach, and she started to brush me off. I don’t remember how we got onto the subject but we started talking about road bikes and before I knew it we were sitting in her driveway, indian style, talking about anything and everything that came to mind.

One of the things we talked about was climbing Castleton Tower in Moab. I realized now that there is something very spiritual about accomplishing goals. Thinking back to that climb I realized a few things.

Half way up the climb, I went for a drop knee to get to the next hold. As I dropped my knee, I felt a pop, and then excruciating heat. I later found out that I had sprained my knee really badly, but that will come later. Anyways, I was faced with a decision. I could either continue up the tower or lower off from there. On one hand, I could have given up my goal, and ended the day for my friend Andrew and me, or I could muscle through the pain and finish it. I had lost the use of my left leg, but still had three limbs that worked. I relied on Andrew to help me. The climb took much longer than expected, but eventually I finished it.

At the top of the tower was an old army ammo box. Inside there was a log book and a pen. Everyone who made it to the top was to write the date, their name, and something about the climb. I realized at that moment that there were only a few thousand people in the history of the world that had ever set foot on the top of the tower. There were only a few thousand people in the history of the world that had seen what I’d seen. At that moment I felt so small in comparison to the universe and yet such a part of it, that it left an indelible impression in my mind. If I had given up at that moment, I would have forever regretted what might have been.

After a doctor's appointment, I found out that I had badly sprained my knee that that physical therapy was needed. I went through almost 2 months of therapy before my knee was good enough to climb on again. Was the pain worth it? Did the quote "No Pain, No Gain!" go through my head? Then, I might have said no...but now, a resounding yes has replaced that no.

Betty Spaghetti, as I now know her, helped me to realize that. I left that driveway with a better understanding of myself. But I think more importantly, I left with a greater sense of purpose, and a good friend who I may not see that often, but one that seems to me, will be a part of my life for many years to come. One that will share in my joys and triumphs, and my pains and failures. I look forward to the future. I'll be back, Betty, to see how you're doing, and to bring you pictures of my adventures.

Thank you, Betty Spaghetti!