So...I don't know where to start with this post. It has to do with a lot of little things that have happened to me over the last few weeks. These, in turn, have made me a little crabby, and now even friends are starting to notice it, which, for me, is something that rarely happens. I rarely let the little things get to me.
First off, I'm working entirely way too much, which makes things that much more difficult. But here goes...
I'm tired of being single. It's not that I want to be married, but it's just that I'm tired of sitting here late at night wondering why I can't seem to spark the interest of the opposite sex. Here are a few of the little things that have made me more annoyed with my current situation.
I had a friend ask me the other day, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" She in no ways meant it to be rude, but was just asking the question. I gave her my normal answers: I work too much, don't have time for girls, don't want to date anyone, you know, the usual. But it got me thinking, why don't I have a girlfriend, or at least, someone that wants to be around me to go to the movies, or museum, or, heaven forbid, dinner?
Yeah, I wonder why in the hell I ask girls out if after just a few dates "mysteriously" never answer the phone or text me back. (at this point it must be pointed out that I am far from clingy and stalkerish, I just text to say hello etc.) Or, if we do go out a 3rd time (hasn't happened in a while) she seems disinterested.
Then it all came crashing down on me as I walked into work yesterday. (please don't judge me for what I'm about to say until after you've read the entire reaction) As I approached the doors to the mall, a women walks out, dressed really well. She had a stroller, and appeared to be happy. It was interesting, because when she looked up, she wasn't that pretty. I won't sit here and describe her, but she just wasn't the prettiest women I'd ever seen. And then the thought came into my mind, "I'm not bad looking, why the hell am I still single? I dress well, I'm polite, I act like a gentleman, and I don't think I'm that bad to look upon."
So why is it that I continually stay single? As I said earlier, it's not that I'm looking to get married. I just want some companionship. Someone who is willing to make time for me, or be willing to spend some of their free time with me, as much as I'm willing to make time for them. Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to ask that in this fucked up world, there is someone out there that can stand to be with me?
Maybe it's because I live in Utah, and I'm not Mormon enough for some, and too Mormon (or just Mormon altogether) for others. Maybe it's because I happily in the middle of the road when it comes to my religious views that I can't get along with girls that are strictly Mormon, but the girls that aren't Mormon see me as too much of a Mormon.
Let's face it, there are those in my life that think I'm going to church every week and following the religion that I grew up in, and there are others that think I've all but ditched my religion. Maybe it's just time to come out as say it, I'm neither happy in or out of the Mormon faith. There is nothing in it that makes me excited or interested in staying with it, but I just don't want to turn my back on the faith of my childhood. Who I am, and what I've done for the last 18 years (assuming that it all started when I was baptized at 8 years old) is all based on the Mormon religion. Most of my friends through high school were from church. They were the guys I hung out with, and the girls that I went to the dances with. It influenced the college I chose to go to. I went on a mission for the LDS church. It's encompassed almost all facets of my life for 18 years.
But there has always been a part of me that has questioned those beliefs. At this juncture, I would please ask that those that actually do read this to withhold responding to my questioning by telling me to: read my scriptures, pray, and go to church. I know these teachings of the LDS faith. I learned them a young age, on top of teaching others about them for 2 years. Please don't chastise me for questioning the world around me and the chaos that we seem to creating by religion.
My questions aren't: do I believe in God, or life-after death, or things like that. My questions come from the chaos I see in the world around me. It's having my life dictated by religious views that many in the world don't agree with. It's seeing those of one religion say things, or do things, to those of another religion. It's watching those I once held in high regard tear someone else down because they don't nessasarily believe the same thing, writing off a possible friendship because they didn't believe, or believed something different. It's watching extremeists cry "death to those that don't believe" and others blowing themselves up in a "religious battle."
Religions often teach about love. They talk of charity, being the love of God, or unending love, also called unconditional love.
Then, a little over a year ago, I made a mistake. This mistake, for whatever reason, cost me my childhood. The religion that I held onto as a child dwindled. When I turned for help, help was no where to be found, just empty promises and missed opportunities. When I turned to the ones I loved in hopes of finding support, I was dissapointed. The "foundation" that I had built my life on crumbled beneith my feet, leaving the rest of my life in shables around me.
As I've tried to rebuild, many of the pieces don't seem to fit together like they used to. The past seems to haunt me while the future seems to be just as unfavorable.
I think I just need a friend. Someone who will call me up as say, "lets go do this," or "lets go try that." Someone I can call up and do the same for. Or someone who trusts me with their deepest feelings, and one that I can trust in return. Is it that I've just become so untrusting of the world around me? Is it that I just expect dissapointment because that's what everything always comes to?
I'm not perfect. Far from it. If anything I'm the exact opposite of perfect. I've got my flaws. I'm tired of falling short on everything I do. I used to have huge goals and aspirations. But those too seemed to have dwindled in the last few years, knowing that disappointment lurks right around the corner.
I live in a big city, surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people and feel more alone than ever.